I’m sure you’ve done it. Maybe you thought about it. You know you wanted to. Especially if you saw The Black Dahlia or S.W.A.T. and make up for those lost 10 dollars.
Movie crashing is my term for watching several movies (in each movies’ entirety, not the last 20 minutes of The Bourne Ultimatum and claiming you saw the film and it was ok) through careful planning, manipulation, and of course, outright theft. Movie crashing, when done right, means you watch several movies; two movies are too easy. Three movies makes it worthwhile, and four is for the gusto. If you actually capture five movies, YTMND! However, at six movies in one sitting, you are a threat to the MPAA and should be handled so. I’ve managed five movies before but never quite got six. It’s the Holy Reel of movie crashing, the mythical, ass numbing marathon people may claim but can never verify. The timing, the swiftness, every element has to be in sync like it’s a predestined planetary alignment for you to accomplish the feat… I once took my boys movie crashing, along with my friend Theresa, her daughter Dominique and her friend, who’s name I can not remember, but she looked like a Bertha or Samantha. Something like that.
DISCLAIMER: None of these involve theft of entertainment services, but they were the only movie related arrests I could muster and serve as my warning towards committing any criminal activity at the local cinema.
Movie crashing involves a certain element of risk, and with most of my friends, they have no risk in them. Honestly, I find many of my friends skeptical to the idea that you can watch two movies (three movies or more? blasphemy!) without paying. After my explanation, the disbelief turns to outright refusal, with a quick motion of cleaning ones hands and saying ” I don’t wanna get arrested!” It’s funny though, when I say I can download Season 1 of Glee though, oh yea, they can be accomplices, but lets watch several movies in a row or help me bury this chicks body, nah, they all innocent, talking ’bout “I dunno, I don’t wanna get caught and sent to pound me in the ass prison…”
Movie crashing, when done right, will never lead to anything as the such. My good friend Sarah and I have movie crashed so many times before, I mean, I think we easily saw every movie released in 2007, most of which were ok. In fact, after a couple of times, you will see the efficiency and frugality, along with the cheap 15 milligrams of adrenaline your body produces because of the illegal activity starting to dwindle. Plus, its better than trying crack yo! It gets progressively easier the more you do it, kinda like crack. i am not advocating using crack, I’m just saying though…
Theresa was especially doubtful but I detected a glint in her eye that sparked with mischiviousness and excitement. I ain’t gonna lie, its old hat to me. My boys and I have done it a couple times, so they are veterans as well. My boys will literally pick two or three movies they want to see and then say “Here Daddy, plan it out…” like I’m some sort of concierge service for kids.
As evidenced by the excitement, these people are watching Schindler’s List
Movie crashing involves two main phases:
(1) Planning.
- What movies are you willing to see and what do you want to see. You should get online or get the paper, but once you get to the movies, make sure you confirm the times. Find our durations, and remember, if you in a crunch, most movies have about 10 minutes in previews, so plan accordingly.
- Movie crashing is much more accessible on Mondays – Thursdays amd Sunday afternoons. During these times, ushers and managers are on thinner schedules, where on weekends they usually double the personnel. Yes, after my many years of experience, I have valuable recon that serves me very well. Anyways, these low turnout days are excellent.
- On off weekends you can also get in and out the movie showings pretty easily. By off weekends, I mean weekends that are not premiering a blockbuster. On these non Michael Bay weekends, theater isn’t as prepped or worried about it the capacity and required tickets.
- Don’t try to plan to watch the latest, 1st run movies. Usually, ushers will be obstacles and are placed by the new movies. Lines at any movie usually mean ticket verifications, so just skip it. 3rd week and older movies are prime for exploitation. you can watch one 1st run movie and I’ll explain how in a bit…
- The layout of the theater is important. If the theaters are spaced out and the movies you plan to see require quite a bit of walking, a careful, observant, non weeded out usher may notice you. In SA, I know the guys at the Silverado are on Shawshank Redemption mode, waiting on some Tommy Williams to try his luck. (ok, the payoff was way too long on that one… lets try it again…)
- The layout of the theater is important. If the theaters are spaced out and the movies you plan to see require quite a bit of walking, a careful, observant, non weeded out usher may notice you. In SA, I know the guys at the Silverado are on some COD shit, waiting on a group of peeps so they can kill there plans on sitting through flicks. Instead, I go to the Mayan…
Southside baby!
The Santikos Mayan Palace 14 is perfect to movie crash and watch your movies without fear of a witchhunt. Most workers are youngsters, discontent because the jerkface manager didnt give em Friday off for her cousins quince, and readily acceptable to your act of defiance b/c they can say they were a part of it to their friends. You also have the 16 year old, hickey covered thug who gives a rather impressive set of directions to the Mayan’s confined theater space. Its easy there, and the free refills on popcorn and soda is great.
For my Houston peeps, the Tinseltown 290 location is fantastic!
Northwest Side baby! (wtf?!?)
Tinseltown USA along 290 isn’t the newest nor most attractive theater in Houston. However, what it lacks in aesthetic appeal it makes up for in convenience and ease of access in movie crashin’. The theater is split between two wings but the general lack of apathy among employees allows for constant movement between screens. I love the fact the jalapeños are still free and available for mass consumption.
Dude, you’re freaking awesome! You’re 1st in line to see Jackass: the Movie!
(2) Ticket Purchase
Easily the MOST important step. After planning which movies you are gonna watch, buy tickets for the LAST MOVIE you plan to watch. For example, when Theresa & I planned to buy tickets, we bought tickets for the 410 showing of Bedtime Stories but sneaked into Marley & Me at 210. The usher didn’t check the time, and if he did, he didn’t care (yea Tinseltown 290 indifference!). We all bought popcorn and sodas and went along our merry way. (Also, if you want to see that 1st run movie, it has to be the last movie you see. The usher will more than likely check the ticket so if catching Iron Man 2 on the IMAX is a must, purchase accordingly.)
See, buying tickets to your last showing ensures you entry to the 1st movie, as no one will question you on your 1st bucket of popcorn and soda. You can watch the movie with no problems. The 2nd movie is easy, especially since you already have the tickets for that show. If you walk around all tippy toeing and shit, whistling “Old Dixie” and making it pretty obvious, well, thats crazy and you deserve to be caught. I can’t coach you on how to act cool, you just gotta have it; that sounded mad conceited, but i think you catch my drift, ya dig? *rolls eyes* Buying tickets to the 1st show negates any right you have of being there after that showing so a late ticket still tecnically entitles you to be there. Once you make it to your last show, well, you get off scot free!
Imagine ladies, if you will, if your boyfriends’ name was Scott Free, and your pops caught you in bed with him and he said “Hey, you get off Scott Free!” Imagine the confusion, I mean, is he giving you a pass, whether out of concern for Scott’s health, he’s especially generous that day, or is he telling you to stop making out with him? Come to think of it, Dred Scott, “Great Scott!”, Scott Goodyear, and to a lesser extent, Scottie Pippen, have been important parts of American culture. Incidentally, none of my friends are named Scott…
Anyways, in this example & in a funny sign that God looked down upon me and “wink wink” ‘ed at the whole escapade, as soon as soon as Bedtime Stories was over, Hotel For Dogs was just starting right next door! How sublimely fortuitous that, even as I had things to do, my boys making the call and Theresa’a newfound thrill persuaded me to take in this Hotel For Dogs movie, which, btw, had no plausible story line. I mean, a hotel for dogs. Although we got pet spas I can’t fathom a hotel specifically catering to canines.
A few tips regarding movie going in general:
- You’re not a cheap ass if you buy snacks or food from the HEB instead of the concessions. Yo, you can buy at bulk at the local grocer, but the movieplex wants to rob you clean! I spent about 70 bucks on food that Sunday, so in effect, I paid for the movies anyways. I know some people sneak in boxes of chicken and pizza but you gotta draw the line somewhere. I say if it fits in the purse then it works. (cargo pants for us fellas.)
- Marley & Me > Hotel For Dogs > Bedtime Stories. The grammatically bed stricken Marley and Me is a sweet movie that shows just how close a pet is and can really be part of ones family. Not as kiddy as I thought, but great nonetheless.
- Don’t leave your purse in the theater. Theresa forgot her purse over at the incredulous Hotel For Dogs (groan) and I rushed in like Reggie Bush through the exit doors while evading tackles, little kids, and random tubs of popcorn. After my 20 yard scramble, I huffed to the mid level seats and safely retrieved the backpack, I mean, purse. I was a hero to a small group of movie crashing warriors. It was fun to see lil Sammy and lil Rodrigo blazing through the crowds and taking credit for the purse. However, in the long run, had someone taken the purse, I’m sure the MPAA would say “Karma’s a bitch…” especially if it were lost during Hotel for Dogs.
Lastly, I thought Hotel For Dogs was horrible…
